I want to reveal the myth of self-compassion.
This is often a mind-bending exercise, so bear with me on this journey. At this point, between research and ancient wisdom, we know without a doubt that we are relational beings. We are co-created in relationships; our bodies are covered with mirror neurons, meaning we are mirroring one another. You learn how to relate to yourself, see yourself, and speak to yourself by others relating to you, seeing you, and speaking to you. Our brains are developed in the reflection of others. And this is happening throughout life through neuroplasticity — we can shape and re-shape our neurobiology. Which is very good news! So back to this myth we are talking about.
Self-compassion — speaking to yourself and about yourself with deep acceptance and kindness, allowing your experience to be just as it is — is directly dependent on how much of this you have received. The extent to which you have been met with this same air of acceptance will be the extent to which you have that available within you. And in this society it is hard to come by– we live in a highly judgmental, critical, and dualistic society. Messages of “right” and “wrong” have been pulsing through our society. The impulse to fix, diagnose, or improve is normalized. A sense of “not enough” is mirroried everywhere, creating the neuropathways of a Deficit Mindset. So setting ourselves up with a goal of “self-compassion” in a society where it is not mirrored and modeled consistently is a setup for failure. How often do you hear yourself or others say, “I need to be kinder to myself.” Inevitably perpetuating the deficit mindset in efforts to have self-compassion! What a paradox. So let’s bust the myth: there is no such thing as “self-compassion”; it is more fitting to call it Co-compassion, the co-creation of compassion through relationships.
You learn to love by being loved.
So what does this mean? Our focus must be on breaking down the barriers of vulnerability and finding relationships where it’s safe to share. Attachment Theory and Polyvagal Theory have proven that our nervous systems are designed to be socially connected. To synchronize and harmonize into a collective symphony. Much like the mycelium network beneath a forest floor, where trees communicate through underground fungal threads, nourishing one another invisibly. The intelligence of our body is exquisite; we interact as one expansive web — you’re picking up on my heartbeat and I on yours.
And nothing is static — everything is in motion, from your breath to your microbiome — therefore, no matter what we relationships we have endured, with this understanding, we have the potential to create a deep compassion for ourselves. Through a process called Co-Compassion™.
Here is how it works.
We must cultivate relationships where we are safe to share; we must gather in circles, whether that’s in retreats, therapy groups, or any other space where you can practice vulnerability and authenticity. If group work is difficult, individual therapy is a good place to start. The more we feel safe to open up, the more our inner world is revealed — literally opening our nervous systems up to receive compassion. And in that brave exposure, our mirror neurons absorb kindness — and our neural pathways are changed from that. We internalize compassion, thus creating the capacity to access that compassion on our own.
But without vulnerability, and without compassionate others who are with our pain rather than change it, fix it, or turn away from it — we cannot cultivate Compassion Embodied.
This is the part most of us were never taught.
Compassion is a collective job.
Your compassion uplifts mine. Your ability to welcome difficult emotions — not judge or fix them — builds my ability to do that. A reciprocal dance of creating compassion, therefore calling it “self-compassion” is a myth. We need each other to mirror this. As you get more comfortable with discomfort, you can open to mine. And as I get more comfortable with discomfort, I can open up to yours.
Compassion doesn’t begin in you and end in another. It lives in the space between; it is larger than any self.
This is the way with compassion. It emerges in the relationship, based on both participating. And then with time, it is embodied in you.
Co-Compassion honors the neurobiological truth of reciprocity. It is a practice of recieving, which can be very challenging in our independent, bootstrapping society. Can you invite yourself to let another hold you in your pain without trying to fix it? A human. A therapist. A grandmother. A dog. A tree we return to. A stretch of river that always seems to know. There are so many ways to open to this.
Over time, the warmth available in another’s presence begins to increasingly echo inside us. It gets louder and louder within, and we begin to carry it. We begin to access it when we are alone. This is the miracle of neuroplasticity meeting relationships — the external voice of compassion becoming our internal one. This is Co-Compassion™ turning into Compassion Embodied.
A felt sense of loving awareness, accessible from within.
Which brings us back to the myth.
May we dissolve self-compassion as the goal — which only uplifts and perpetuates the bootstrapping mentality — and rather surrender to the fact that we need each other. May we shift to co-compassion, which honors the truth of interdependence.
To be needy is to be human. And the more we allow ourselves to be needy — and let ourselves be held — the more we internalize what we need. Another paradox!
Take a big inhale from the trees — and a long slow exhale, pouring your breath back to the trees. That is reciprocity in motion:)
Ellen Slater, LICSW, YT-200, is a psychotherapist, educator, and founder of Head & Heart PLLC in Winthrop, Washington. She is the creator of the Compassion Cultivation Cycle™ — a somatic, non-pathologizing, earth-based framework for healing. Learn more at ellenslater.com.
