Please be advised there is mention of sexual assault.
I went to my very first yoga class in 1996 at the Bozeman Athletic Club in Bozeman, Montana. I don’t remember much beyond laying in savasana at the end, and staying a little longer to get in a few sets of crunches. After class my best friend told me about a bright light she experienced enveloping her heartspace while laying supine at the end. I was enchanted by that. I recently asked her about it, and she doesn’t recall that experience at all. It’s interesting, the things we remember.
I went to the gym somewhat regularly, following my sweaty workouts on the stationary bike with an evening of homework and cigarette breaks, justified by my earlier workouts. I’m not really sure how often I went to yoga. I smoked a fair amount of weed back then.
The summer before that class I’d experienced my first of a long line of sexual assault experiences at a party with people I went to high school with. A few of my girlfriends were there, the others a scraggly bunch of dudes I considered a helpful way to get to the free booze.
I won’t go into the details of the assault here, other than my nervous system automatically going into a freeze response to the violation of my body and spirit. Later, even though I went to the hospital and reported the incident to the police, I blamed myself for this harm and swallowed my shame. I numbed this shame for years and years. I did not understand at the time that what my body experienced here was trauma.
It is the right time for me to pause in this reflection. I offer you, and myself an opportunity to place our hands over our hearts and say,
“Here I am. I’m right here. I’m okay. I am Loved.”
I use this mantra when my nervous system is activated, and it reminds me where I am in time and space (right here) and that I am Okay (right now). I do, in fact, matter, and I am loved by the universe.
