In January 2000, I earned a Bachelor of Fine Arts Degree from Montana State University. I got my first job out of college as an in-house graphic artist at a very cool, and well known company in a little town called Dillon, Montana. Two years later, I left that incredible job to follow a guy to Corvallis, Oregon, ever looking outside of myself for peace of mind and happiness.
Again in a new town, without friends and now without meaningful work, I soon felt lost, lonely, and terribly uncomfortable in my skin, though I wouldn’t realize that for another 6 years. I was in deep denial of a spiritual sickness which for me, manifested as alcoholism and co-dependency, and I was completely disconnected to my true self.
The pattern of looking for love everywhere but within began when I was young, adopting the behaviors of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and stuffing big feelings as a way to receive external validation for my existence, and as a way to feel safe.
When I was 15 years old, I discovered alcohol, and I was thrilled. I believed I had found the magic elixir to happiness, excitement and to full self-expression. I remember thinking, “This makes me MORE ME!” Was that ever a lie. Little did I know, I was at the beginning of a 16 year wash-rinse-repeat cycle of black out drunks, confusion, deep shame, despair, and self-loathing, followed by more drinking in order to hide myself from myself.
Among self-harming behaviors like excessive binge drinking, smoking weed, using other mind-altering drugs and smoking cigarettes daily, and the incessant self-demeaning inner critic, I began to paint as a way to deal with my suffering.
Looking back, I now understand that through mixing and combining colors, scraping lines through wet paint, and layering darks on lights and lights on darks, I found a way to experience self expression without words or trying to look good on the outside. On the floor of my tiny room, painting gave me purpose through those dreary days. The process offered a colorful adventure and space to feel okay within uncertainty.
My paintings evolved some from 2002 – 2008, the work being a steady reprieve and a safe outlet for processing my inner conflict and pain. Since sobriety, my art has evolved a lot. At this point in time I’ve been making art sober for 17 years. I am clear that my paintings are a visual expression of my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about the world within me, and the world around me; abstract proof of my inner healing and spiritual growth. Most importantly, my work is about connection; to myself, to the Divine, and to you.
Making art is an act of self care, an opening for reflection, and a place to pause and play within the uncertainty of life. I believe it is also an act of faith.
I invite you to consider your journey up until this point in time and space. How are you more clear than you were 10, 25 or 50 years ago? Have you ever used the process of creating for your own personal therapy without even realizing it?
May your light shine,
Mandy
