At the time of writing this, I’m 42 days tobacco and nicotine free.
I’ve quit before. I’ve used nicotine replacements. I’ve “tried” to quit several times in the past — but never the way I have this time.
What’s different?
Instead of viewing it as, “This addiction is unhealthy and I need to quit for my health,” or saving money in the process, I immediately dove into a much deeper question:
Why am I even using it?
What was the reason?
What benefits was I getting from tobacco?
Where did I physically feel this need inside my body?
Boy… was I in for some deep, dark, and scary discoveries.
For the past year or so, I’ve been on a wild journey of self-discovery — embracing aspects of spirituality I had been slowly exploring for years. I’ve always been drawn toward the spiritual lifestyle and discovering what many call “new” practices, but are actually ancient understandings of the mind, body, and soul.
My biggest draw came from Hindu traditions — specifically Yoga — along with Buddhist and Sufi principles.
The interest first really peaked in 2020 during COVID, when I received my teacher training certification in Trauma Cooperative Yoga through Jo Standing and Inner Beat Yoga. Over the next five years, my interest would rise and fall as life happened. Work, stress, grief, and losing my Mother created emotional rollercoasters that often caused me to shut down, isolate, and simply survive.
Then, about a year ago, I reconnected with a very close friend who has since become more like a cosmic sister. Together, we launched headfirst into a rapid season of spiritual growth — studying, discovering, sharing, questioning, and expanding our understanding of life and the mysteries that had been sitting in front of us all along.
We dove into everything.
Some of the major influences during this last year were Tarot, palm reading, intuition, mysticism, past lives, multiple dimensions, and the soul’s journey.
I also dove deeply into gemstones — their spiritual meanings, energetic connections, and emotional benefits — eventually creating my own gemstone wrist malas and 108 bead necklaces. That passion evolved into wire wrapping, jewelry making, and eventually creating my business, Steel & Stillness LLC, where I now sell jewelry online and through shops and studios around Wenatchee.
At the same time, I went through a rapid explosion of creativity and self-discovery. I adopted a mentality of “fuck it” — jumping fully into experiences without hesitation, doubt, or fear of judgment.
I discovered like-minded people who eventually became family.
I found Humblebee Collective and immersed myself in their community of practitioners and facilitators, joining classes like Primal Movement, Yoga, Roll & Release, Sound Therapy, Qi Gong… everything.
Eventually, I began creating my own Yoga practice and my own version of Yoga Nidra with sound bowls. That path eventually led to being invited to facilitate at a yoga retreat for Clarity Yoga & Meditation Studio.
During this year, I also strengthened and reclaimed parts of my feminine energy — learning how to be vulnerable, how to truly feel emotions, how to cry, love openly, and live more freely than I ever had before.
I found myself surrounded by an incredible circle of powerful women who supported my self-discovery, my emotional openness, and my growth in emotional intelligence and maturity.
For the first time in my life, I felt deeply seen and heard.
And through that opening came curiosity.
What is emotion?
Where does it come from?
What gives it meaning?
What parts of me came from the past, and what parts were still being created in the present?
What was my ego?
Who was my inner child?
Why did I carry so much intensity, grief, fear, and longing?
I dove into astrology and the stories written through the stars and planets — exploring how they reflected the complexity of what makes me me.
And in all of these discoveries and conversations with myself… we found pain.
Discomfort.
Sorrow.
Trauma.
Things buried so deep, locked away so tightly, that I never even attempted to bring them into the light.
Eventually, I forgot they were even there.
Until I quit tobacco… and became curious enough to ask why.
Stay tuned as we continue diving deeper.
More blogs coming soon. 🙏
